Wanted or Not?

As an Aspie, social cues are my main struggle. I can't read people to tell what they think of me, whether they like me or they are just tolerating my presence. It is easy with kids because they are brutally honest, so you quickly know where you stand with them, but adults have learned how to be polite, so I rarely know if they really want me around or if they would rather have me leave them alone. I feel like I am constantly being judged by people, but I don't know how to read them to know what they are thinking about me.

What helps me the most is when people tell me that they like having me around, or when they make an effort to spend time with me or to include me when they don't have to. Recently I have had one of my safe people who invited me to join them in a group that they were in. I didn't know how to tell if the other people in the group actually enjoyed having me in the group until my safe person told me multiple times that the others in the group had told them how much they enjoyed having me there. I don't have a safe person with me all the time that is able to tell me these things, so I usually don't know what people think of me and if they want me there or not. Plus, not all of my safe people are aware of how much I don't catch from social cues and how much I need things explained to me. I don't want to be where I am not wanted, but I also don't know how to tell where I am wanted unless someone outright tells me, and sometimes I need lots of reassurance because people don't always say what they really mean, because they are trying to be polite instead of truthful.

I have a few people who I know for sure want me in their lives, because they tell me often, or they make an effort to spend time with me and include me in their lives, even if it is just for me to babysit their kids, because I know that parents entrusting their kids to me means that they trust me enough to care for their most precious treasures. This past Christmas I was kind of adopted into a family for the holidays. They included me in the family gathering and made sure that I spent both my birthday and Christmas with them, in a way that didn't feel like it was a pity invite. It helped greatly that the inclusion into the family was more than just during the holiday, it was and is an all-year round thing.

Without these types of reassurances, I am constantly wondering if people really want me around or if I should leave them alone. My Aspergers traits make me awkward socially, so I am constantly wondering if people are being polite on the outside, but deep down really don't like me.