Touch

Sometimes life as an Aspie can seem like a paradox at first glance, but a closer look can reveal the truth within and answer so many questions.  Not every person is the same and not every Aspie is the same. We all react to things differently, so what I write in my blog is what I see and deal with from my perspective and in my life.

One of the things that is a challenge for me is crowds of people. I can get claustrophobic with people all around me and close to me because it is a lot for my senses to take in and process and react in socially appropriate ways. When I go shopping by myself, I maintain a good amount of space around me and am always conscientious of everyone around me. Even at church when there are people around me, like close enough to easily reach out and touch, but not directly interacting with me, my stress level can go up very quickly, especially if they are behind me. When I am sitting by myself in church or anywhere else, I choose the back or edge of the room because it keeps everything in front of me and means that I am not trying to process information from all sides of me. When I am sitting with other people who choose the place to sit, I don't always get this option, so it can impact my stress level.

The best thing to bring down my stress level is touch and someone to focus on. There is a family in my church with 2 young kids that I sit with in services and when those kids are with me their touch can relieve my stress and take my focus off of the social things that are happening around me. I have been around these kids since they were babies, and they still love to cuddle with me in church services. They each have their preferred place beside me to sit and they are sometimes right up next to me. I have been on the verge of high anxiety before and having those kids there to cuddle with me has brought my stress level down to normal within minutes. Not all of the kids that I babysit are very cuddly very often because some are very active and energetic boys, but some of the kids do like to cuddle a lot, and these kids help make my life easier to handle. Sometimes the active and energetic boys have quiet moments where they want to cuddle or be really close and I enjoy those moments too.

When I am with someone else in a place, like a store or other place where there are crowds and lots of information to process (including large crowds outside) it is very helpful to be able to use touch to process some of the information around me and it eases the pressure on my other senses so that they don't have quite as much information to take in. When you hold someone's hand, it allows you to be able to sense their speed and direction without using your eyes and ears. When you hold a child's hand in a store, it not only keeps them with you, but you guide them alongside you, and it helps you keep track of where they are without constantly having to look at them. The same works for adults. I know that my parents have mentioned being able to guide each other when they hold hands while walking together.

Studies have shown that the average person needs 8-10 hugs per day just to survive. Some need more and some need less. Some who haven't had many hugs for a while or are going thru stressful times might need lots more than that in order to deal with life and thrive. Many of us don't get nearly enough hugs in our daily lives, especially if we have social struggles and don't know how to ask for the hugs that we need. Physical touch is my strongest love language and as a single girl the easiest and best place to be able to use my love language is with babies and children. Nonverbal communication is vital with babies and kids, because some can't talk yet and even the ones who can talk haven't learned yet how to communicate effectively everything that they want to thru words.  Hugs and caring for them is essential for their mental and social development. It is more socially acceptable to hug children than to hug most adults, unless you have a really close friendship and have discussed previously the subject of hugs and what is acceptable for both parties involved. All of the other love languages are much easier to use in socially acceptable ways and having physical touch as a strong love language can be extremely challenging and even more challenging for an Aspie. In the early years of my adulthood, I would sometimes go for weeks or months without hugs from people. How I mentally survived those years is only by the grace of God. I now have a few people that I can get hugs from on a semi regular basis, including some of the kids that I babysit and some close friends. One of my friends, a former coworker, gives me "starfish hugs" where she wraps me up like she is a starfish when hugging me.

When I was a child/teen, my grandma would play with my hair when she would come to visit us. Sometimes we would be in the kitchen watching my mom cook. Mom and Grandma would be talking, and Grandma would be playing with my hair. In the evenings all of the adults would be in the living room talking and I would sit on the floor in front of her so that she could play with my hair. It was very relaxing and bonding for both of us. When she would leave after their vacation with us, this was the activity that I missed the most. I have continued this tradition with my little sister (when we are together) and with the little girl that sits with me in church. It is one of her favorite things for me to do.

Even the length of the hug can mean something. Does the person only want a quick hug, or are they willing to let you stay and "absorb" their calmness? I read a story once where a teacher told her student that a hug had to be at least a full minute long in order for the hearts to be able to communicate with each other. A quick hug can sometimes feel like a social formality, depending on the circumstances. A long hug or cuddle means more. It helps create or maintain a bond and allows the participants to rest and breathe with each other instead of a quick "grab and go". Spending time cuddling with the kids in my life allows me to connect with them on a deeper level and show them my love in the best way that I know how. It also helps to teach them how to use touch as a love language, even if it doesn't end up being their strongest love language. They will be able to use this as knowledge and past experience for their future friendships and relationships. Many adults, especially men raised in certain family environments, don't know how to use some of the love languages, and touch is often the most neglected when raising them. Certain things have been expected of men in past generations and showing emotions was not often looked upon favorably, so this has often been passed down from father to son for multiple generations. Thankfully this didn't happen in my family, but I know that many other families are like this, where the men don't know how to show or feel emotions using the love language of touch.

Once, when at work, I was working out on the sales floor around the customers and an older lady, who I had never met before, touched/caressed my back with her fingers while she was talking to me as I was working. Her touch was more memorable to me that what she happened to be saying to me. Her touch said more to me than her words did, and it lessened my stress level, even with all of the other customers around me at the moment. If people used touch when around me, even if they weren't talking to me at the time, it would ease my stress levels, but I don't know how to tell everyone around me that touching me would actually help me and ease the stress on my other senses in social situations. One of my chiropractors used to attend my church for several years and he was a very outgoing person to everyone that he met. When he would pass by me in church, he would often gently touch my shoulder as he was passing by, as a way of letting me know that he was there and acknowledging my presence in a way that most people don't. It made me feel seen and important, even though it only lasted for a second or two. The fact that I remember this action, but don't remember a lot of other things that people would say to me in that same situation, means that touch has a much greater impact on me than words do. I think that in modern society, touch is almost taboo with most people and in most situations. This means that everyone suffers, especially those of us who need touch in order to feel loved and important to someone. Most of us suffer in silence because we don't know how to reach out for help when what we need is so hard to explain and not always looked at with approval from general society. The things that happened in 2020 have made touch become even more taboo in public. I wish that there was a way to change this so that everyone could get the touch and love that they need in order to survive and to thrive in their lives.