Embarrassment and New Things

I was listening to someone recently talk about how they do things that embarrass themselves on a regular basis and they are okay with it and don't care who they lose as friends because of what they do or say. I know that some people enjoy being the life of the party and embarrassing themselves and making people laugh. However, some of us find that kind of life impossible, even though people often tell us to do those kinds of things.

My autistic traits make embarrassment many times worse for me than for most people. Because of my social struggles and problems reading social cues, I have lost friendships and offended people and more from doing things that I didn't know were socially wrong or would be seen as wrong by other people. This makes it harder for me to put myself out there in ways that I know in advance could be potentially embarrassing for me if I don't know exactly what to do in the new social situations.

I have been hurt so many times that it has rewired my brain to overthink everything socially and to be prepared for the worst to happen at any given moment. I have found that the people that I feel safest and most at ease with are the people who don't judge me socially, and they make it obvious that I am not being judged by them. These are usually people who live very simplistic lives (children and some old people) or those who have been thru so many trials of their own that they don't see my little "social shortcomings" as significant enough to give a second thought, or they love me and understand me enough to see past any of those "social shortcomings" and see me for my true worth and my strengths and they help me thru my weaknesses.

People often tell me that I should try new things and put myself in new situations, but they don't understand the extra stress that it puts on my brain, more so than the same situation would do to most other people. There are so many factors that my brain has to process with new situations that it can get overwhelming very quickly and my brain can shut down or glitch with all of the new information and sensory overload. Once I am familiar with the job or task, I am very quick at getting the job or task done. It just takes a while for my brain to adjust in the beginning.

I can do new things, but they have to be done in certain ways and at a much slower pace than most other people can handle and I often need help or support in doing new things. I have recently had a major change of life involving my job, moving from a job that I have had for 17 years to something new and uncertain, but it wasn't done by my own choice or my time table. God knew this in advance and brought a friendship into my life where I was able to observe how someone else was able to make life work without a regular full-time long-term job, by working part-time jobs. I was to participate and tag along with some of this during the time that I was still at my old job and God used this to slowly get my brain used to a new and different way of life, though I didn't know at the time that this would soon become my own way of life.

When my sudden job change happened and my world was basically turned upside down, my new friend was there to help and encourage me along the way and help me start out on the new job path. They knew that my brain struggles with new things, so they helped ease me into new things until I could handle them on my own. They didn't force me into anything and didn't tell me to just go do things without any help, like most people do. They went out of their way to help me and made it known several times all along the way that they were there to help me and that there was nothing that I could do that would threaten their friendship with me. Without this friend and the way that they helped me, I don't know where I would be today. Very few people understand the way that my brain works and are willing to put in the extra effort to help me adjust to new things in my life.

Some people don't understand how other people's brains work differently and they tend to quickly judge those other people. They misinterpret our actions and words based on the way their brains work, not based on how our brains work. Criticism and judgement are very hard on my brain because I am already trying very hard to function in life and to do things the way that other people want. It is hard for me to figure out what different people want, and those things can change from person to person. Working in customer service jobs are extremely hard on my brain. When people criticize me, it is basically saying that my best effort is not good enough for them. This hurts a lot. I have been misinterpreted in ways that are completely contrary to my personality and what was actually happening in my brain at that moment. Those people do more psychological damage to others than they will ever realize. This kind of trauma is harder to see than physical trauma, so it is harder to treat and mend.