Different Types of Sibling Love Based on Birth Order

I come from a large family, seven kids in 15 years, and I help babysit kids in my church regularly and I observe kids around me in public. I see things in the kids that lead to sibling fights and misunderstandings because different kids show love in different ways and some of it is based on their birth order in the family, whether they are older or younger than the other siblings. I was sitting at a pizza restaurant the other day, waiting for my order, and I observed a couple of sisters with their mother who were waiting in line too. I saw the younger sister always wanting to touch the older sister and to play with her constantly, while the older sister was okay with playing, but was starting to get annoyed after a while when the younger sister was wearing her out with the constant activity and talking.

As a first-born child myself, I understand very well the struggles of other kids with younger siblings. We love and care about our siblings, but we still need time to ourselves occasionally, which is not always what the younger siblings want to allow us to have. It takes a lot of energy to blaze the way for our siblings, being the first ones in the family to do certain things. Not only do we have to do these things with no older siblings to help and advise us, but we also have to break in the parents on these new things, since they have never been thru it with another child yet, like the first kid to learn to drive or the first kid to get a job or the first kid to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, etc. Some of things do get done first by the younger kids, but most get done first by the first born. We are glad to help out the younger siblings in this way, but it is a lot of work and sometimes we need a break from always having a sibling underfoot, so that we can prepare ourselves for the next task ahead of us. My mom had a method of teaching us kids certain things. When I was old enough for a task, she would teach me how to do it and then I was usually responsible for teaching the younger kids when they were old enough. Some things she taught each kid individually, but there were things that I passed on to the younger kids. Things like how to do certain chores and tasks around the house. All of this is a lot of responsibility for the older kids and the toll that it takes on us is often unrealized by the parents and younger siblings. We want to help, but we are often forced to grow up faster than our younger siblings, due to the extra responsibilities that come with being the first born kid or older sibling.

As a first-born kid, we have had time where we were the only child and we learned to occupy ourselves and keep busy without it involving anyone else. By the time the third kid come along (and those that come after it), that kid has never been alone. There have always other siblings around and they don't know what to do with themselves when alone. They always want to be with another sibling, and that can drain the energy of the older sibling and test the bonds of sibling love. Younger siblings often show their love for their older siblings by wanting to do everything that the older siblings do and always be with them. If the older sibling likes something, then it must be fun, so the younger siblings want to like that stuff too. This type of following in their footsteps is a way that the younger kids show their love and admiration for their older siblings, but it is often seen by the older kids as the younger kid trying to take away everything from the older siblings. This can get very annoying for the older sibling, as it means that they are constantly having a smaller kid (or more than one kid) hanging around them and never letting go. They end up having to share everything and feel like they never have anything for themselves anymore. Not only do they have to share their parents now, but they also have to share their toys and everything else. They feel like they have lost everything to the younger kids, and they don't always understand why.

Younger kids often take a priority over the older kids because the younger ones need more help and attention. I often dealt with being a low priority in my large family as a kid. I was very valuable to my parents, and I was my mom's best helper, especially in the kitchen, but the younger kid's needs were always a priority, and it was something that I just accepted as a part of my life, but not every child accepts this as willingly. This also affected my own self-image as I grew up because I still feel unimportant in groups of people. I rarely feel like my opinion is as important as anyone else's and I very often defer to others and sacrifice my own wishes to what others want and rarely speak up for myself, because that is what I am used to doing. Most people don't even know how much I don't fight for myself, and I am learning to fight for myself now, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of reprogramming of my thought processes.

I think that a lot of sibling trouble could be helped by parents who understand what their kids are going thru and help to explain sibling behaviors to the other siblings. As a kid, I never fully realized what my siblings were trying to say thru their actions and there were a lot of fights among my siblings because of different ways that we showed love to each other. Some younger siblings did a lot of copying of likes and interests and always wanting to be with certain older siblings and that didn't always go over very well with the older siblings. My parents tried to help in what ways that they could, but I don't know if they fully understood the differences in how different siblings show love to each other. It is only thru hindsight that I understand it now and I think that parents could help their kids learn this early on, instead of them waiting to learn this in adulthood. I hope that this helps others.

I have also observed a difference in brother-sister relationships depending on which gender is the older one. As the oldest with younger brothers and sisters, I expected my siblings to want to follow my lead. My mother had told me how her older brother had help "blaze the trail" for her as she went through childhood and into college. My brothers didn't want this kind of help. To them, and most other guys, being a man meant doing things on your own and being the strong person. Guys would rather be the one helping the girls, than being helped by girls. If the older sibling is a boy, then the younger sister will be likely to accept his help and guidance. If the older sibling is a girl, the younger brother is likely to reject her help and assistance and do their own thing. If the siblings are the same gender, then my observations tell me that the younger sibling being willing to accept help and guidance from the older sibling is likely to happen. This is just my personal observation from my years of watching families.