Autistic Meltdown or Shutdown
Pretty much everyone doesn't like change, but it is different and more severe for autistic people, and I am going to try to explain how and what happens in my brain. Every change that happens in an autistic person's life requires brain power. There are always going to be things that change in our lives, but the more things can remain the same, the more brain power that leaves for everything else. Having a set schedule where I have already figured out what needs to be done by what time means that I don't have to think thru my timeline every day. I know what time I have to be out of bed by and I know what time I need to be out the door by in order to be on time for work or church or anything that I have scheduled on a regular basis. Even my workday has a schedule so that I know what need to be done by what time. If there is something new, or a change of scheduled time, that means that my brain has to reprocess and reconfigure the information and timeline.
It is important to my brain that I have as much of my schedule as routine as possible, so that it doesn't get overwhelmed with too much information. Too much new stuff can overwhelm my brain because I am trying to figure out what I am supposed to do. Uncertainty can also do this too, but that is even worse for my brain. If I am told that the schedule is going to change soon, but the change is not defined and I don't have a new schedule to plan out in my brain, that leads to high anxiety and panic because I have incomplete information that I am trying to process and I need to have complete information so that my brain can process the information and store it as a new routine. If I am told that the rules of something are changing and there is a definite thing that is not supposed to happen, but there is no plan given on how to keep the wrong thing from happening and there are other people and their unknown schedules involved, that can lead to information overload in my brain because I am constantly trying to figure out how to do the right thing when I don't know what everyone else is doing, so I don't know how to plan my own actions around them.
Sometimes this can end up in an autistic meltdown, which for me means I end up in a corner crying uncontrollable tears for I don't know how long. It can take me several hours to be able to get back to normal and be able to talk to anyone about anything. In order to recover, I need a way to escape the situation and overload, which can be removing myself from the situation or using some other method to mentally escape, like listening to music. It is the only thing that my brain is able to do at that point because just going back to normal isn't possible. Recovery from a meltdown can take hours before feeling normal is possible. Since I have been experiencing autistic meltdowns and I understand what is happening and why I have been more aware of those kinds of triggers and have worked hard to keep a meltdown from happening again, but they can sneak up when I am least prepared.
Mental exhaustion leads to physical exhaustion and emotional instability. Tears come and I can control them most of the time, but not when thinking about the problem or talking about the problem with anyone. What ends up happening is that I am in a really dense mental fog and any choice or decision takes extra time and effort and some decisions can't be made. Things like driving familiar routes are fine because I have been driving in this area for several years and most of my driving is just instinct now, or predetermined solutions when certain things happen with other drivers. The choices that are hard to make are things like what I want to eat for supper or what I feel like doing in my spare time on my day off. Some things that I do at home are just routines, so I am able to do that because it doesn't require too much brain power to do. If I have a predetermined activity for the day, I am usually able to do that, but if it hasn't been decided in advance, I would not be able to decide to do it or not. Sometime being able to spend some time with a friend helps, especially if they are able to make a plan for what to eat for supper. I know what they choose was something that I would normally like, so I am able to go along with the plan, but trying to make that decision myself would not happen. If I am in this state for a long period of time and have been left alone, it would have been easy for me to forget to eat or drink or do certain things that are important to survival.
The best comparison that I can make to what my brain felt like is what I have observed with a friend of mine that is a stroke survivor. There are times that they can't even decide when given two choices of what to eat for a meal or snack. When asked if they are hungry, they have said that they don't know if they are or not. I get a small taste of what this feels like when my brain is overloaded and can't process information and decisions for a few days. Thankfully, mine is short term and the source of my stress can usually be resolved, but that is the closest comparison that I can find to how it feels when my brain is overloaded to the max.
Brain overload could also be compared to an overloaded computer that takes forever to respond to your commands. It has too much data taking up space and there is nothing left for it to be able to process your commands. That is how my brain feels sometimes, though this can happen on a semi-regular basis for a few minutes at a time, until my brain is able to catch up or get some relieve from the overload and get back to normal processing speed. I have had a close friend at church walk up to me and try to start a conversation when my brain feels like an overloaded computer. She is very understanding when this happens and knows that my lack of response has nothing to do with her but has everything to do with being overwhelmed by everything happening around me and all the information that my brain is trying to process.