A Paradox

Many people are probably very confused about how I deal with socializing, so I am going to try to explain it to you as best as I can. It truly is a paradox of seemingly conflicting things, but once you understand what I am dealing with, hopefully you will see that it makes sense because of how my brain works.

I have hypersensitive senses and my brain struggles to process when there is too much information to take in. When I am alone, I can control my environment, and this controls what my brain has to process. If things get to be too much, I can change things to make it more manageable, like lowering the volume or dimming the lights, etc. Being alone can decrease my anxiety levels, but too much time alone can lead to loneliness and depression.

I need and want friendships and companionship, but whenever other people are involved, my control of my environment decreases, sometimes by a little and sometimes by a lot. It is hard to predict what will happen when other people are involved, especially when there are lots of people and most are not familiar with what I am dealing with. Too much sensory information can quickly lead to sensory overload. I fight to balance the feeling of being included and having friendships with controlling my environment and controlling what my brain has to process thru my senses. It is a constant struggle, and some days are better than others. I never know from one day to the next what my brain and emotions will be able to handle. Sometimes it even changes during the day, depending on what I have had to deal with up to that point. I have had days that were great and then got hard and complicated quickly due to brain and sensory overload.

Recently I had a really good day. My stress and anxiety were low, I was getting things accomplished, I was happy, and it was a good day. That night I had a bad dream, involving psychological trauma that I had gone thru in the past and am still dealing with, that increased my anxiety and made me emotional. I had to fully wake up earlier than normal in order to get my brain back into the correct reality. The next day was hard because I was emotional and because I hadn't gotten as much sleep as normal. It was all unpredictable. Things that I had planned to do that day were not as manageable as I thought they would be because it involved big crowds and lots of noise. A friend suggested that we spend the day together and we even did things in public, but it wasn't as loud and crowded as my previous plans were and I had a close friend to lean on and be my emotional anchor when my emotions became hard to control. I often don't have a close friend with me to be my emotional anchor, so that makes socializing harder.

I want to be included and to have friendships, but it is often hard to find the exact environment that is optimal for me. One on one or small groups is best, and in places where there aren't a lot of distractions or unpredictable variables and people. Some of my best times are one on one conversations in the car with a friend. The environment is controlled, and I feel comfortable to be open about everything that I am dealing with. I know that this is a rarity because I don't get this with very many people. I am often very overwhelmed in big group settings and find it very difficult to process my thoughts and also process everything that is happening around me. My brain has to work harder to control this than most people do. Some days I can do this fairly well, but other days it is impossible. My brain is similar to someone with a brain injury, because what I have is a different type of brain than most people. I have observed people who have traumatic brain injuries and I relate to how they feel, though some react to the overwhelmed senses and brain differently than I do. Some react by not being able to do or say anything. This can also be accompanied by tears with certain people. Others react in anger and frustration because their brain can't do what they think they should be able to do. The former reaction is what happens with me, but I have seen both reactions in other people.

I hope this helps people understand what I do and what I struggle with and maybe someday I can find more ways to have the types of friendships and environments that are ideal for me and my brain.